“Don’t worry he/she’s out there. I mean you’re still young.”
This is the number one most annoying thing anyone who’s not single can say to a single person. As soon as the words leave their lips and registers in my brain I feel an instant loathing for the person. I know I’m single. I haven’t slit my wrists yet. Up the stream not across it. I think the most frustrating thing is now not only am I aware of my single “problem”, but so is everyone else within ear shot.
This exact statement was said to me in line at the grocery store and this lady literally looked me up and down. She thought about my height, weight, rated my face from beauty 1-10 and then she looked in the cart and noticed that I’m a single mom. She took inventory of my kids. This lady took into consideration of how cute they are, their age and how polite they were. And after this lady finished my evaluation I must’ve passed because according to the nosey cashier at the local Raley’s, for confirming that I still have some time to find Mr. Right. The cashier at Raley’s said so, so it must be true. Hear that universe bring me one of the shining knights!
“I know someone I know you’ll LOVE.”
It’s always funny to me that most of the people that say this are people that you secretly don’t care for, but because they’re family or acquaintances (the kind that its beneficial to have a good rapport with for those just in case times) your stuck with them. And whenever they start describe them I never hear anything because inside I’m trying to come up with plan to get out of whatever they’re trying to get me to attend so I can magically bump into so and so. Yeah, sorry I can’t go I’ll be contracting a highly contagious case of explosive diarrhea. No its ok he doesn’t need to bring me Gatorade or toilet paper. Tell him I’ll call him… Maybe.
Note: If you’re willing to at least try to go on a date with someone that someone else fixes you up with, I’ve taken the liberty of putting together the phrases you need to watch out for. If they throw in “he’s about your age” that really means he’s about ten years older and still alone… there’s something wrong with him if he can’t even get his own dates. Just saying. “He’s/she’s really nice.” Watch out for the mole on forehead. “Moley!” “Moley!” (In Dr. Evil Voice) Maybe it’s the freakishly long toes like in Shallow Hal but I can assure you my friend there’s something wrong. You’ll thank me later.
“Is it just going to be you?”
This one is specific to outings that require reservations. I think this one pisses me off because usually you only make reservations with people you know and are comfortable with, so they should know your dating situation. Most of the time they’re just checking in on your dating life.
“Where’s your bf/gf?”
Uh… oops try again. Just because I have a nice smile, a job and a fun personality does not mean that I automatically have a significant other. Perhaps I’m failing in one of those categories. I knew I should’ve bought that brightening tooth paste.
“So why are you single?”
Well, you know how some people have adopted clean eating habits… well I’ve adopted a black widow lifestyle. After every climax I cut that suckers head off and eat it for breakfast. Yum. What am I supposed to say? I’m a 25 year old woman that can’t seem to find the right one. Actually more accurately I’ve found the right one about 3 times now and they were the right one all the way up until they were the wrong one.
“You know online dating is just so scary and for desperate people.”
I think the correct response to this dig is “well when you’re single your schedule fills up more than when you are in a relationship, so sometimes it’s hard to meet new people. You know because I hang out with friends, go on new dates, do that fun me stuff and of course spend time with the family.” That statement will kill any come back they throw at you. You’re welcome.
“What happened to [insert ex’s name]?
Well they obviously didn’t work out.
“Don’t you want a family and kids?”
Last I checked you don’t need to have a husband to have kids. In this day and age we do have other options. This question is double sword. If you would’ve had kids out of wedlock people wouldn’t ask you this question, but if you’re being a responsible adult and not a parent by mid to late twenties then something is dead wrong. Nothing throws people off like a woman that says she doesn’t want marriage and or kids. [Insert gasp]
“So who do you go out with?”
My comeback: “Remember that wonderful Me Time you cherish so much… I have that ALL the time and I don’t ask for permission. I don’t have to check in when I’m out with the girl’s and if Channing Tatum begins to dance up on me like on Magic Mike I can touch and I can take him home. But I’m sure your dysfunctional relationship is much more fulfilling then my crazy fun single life. ”
“So how’s [insert ex’s name]? I know you guys aren’t together anymore, but he was such a nice young man.”
This actually happened to me. We threw a party and this lady asked me this in front of everyone. It caught me off guard. I thought it was common knowledge that we were over a few years ago, but I guess my neighbor didn’t receive the formal announcement.
Ms. Raquel Serna and Mr. Douche Bag Loser request your presence at the official keying of Mr. Loser’s car. A destruction gathering will follow the keying. Please bring any ex’s mementos that you’d like to destroy as the happy couple is hoping for witness participation. In lieu of gifts please donate to the couple’s favorite charities Raquel Needs a Party Vacay in Vegas to Find Someone New or Douche Needs Money for a New Place.
I knew I should’ve printed more. Seating was limited. Sorry.
I was battling my tongue not to say what’s on my mind. My mind was thinking “shoot if he’s so great you date him.” Since the lady was elderly I thought well I should show her some respect. I bowed out and said “he’s great.”
Being single is rough. Only the people with the toughest skin can be single for any length of time. It takes some strength to hold out for someone truly special then to choose the person right there in front of you.
So people in relationships… please be kind. Please do NOT say the above phrases.
And to my fellow single people… hang in there.