I heard the buzz of my phone vibrating. I had no idea how much a simple sentence could stop me dead in my tracks. All I had to was look at who the author of this incoming message to know that it was something I didn’t want to read. The message was short and so not sweet. It read “You’re a wonderful woman, one day you’re gonna have to let someone love you again.” The most infuriating part of it was that I know he’s right. I preach about love and trying to find love and letting go, but in truth I am just scared as the next jaded person. Can you really blame me? I’ve had my heart stuck in a blender and pulsated until eventually it becomes a lovely Raquel puree.
I left the loaded text alone. I feel like I’ve been defending my actions for so long that I couldn’t stand to argue anymore. Afterall he was right. I am scared to love again. As much as I’d like to pick myself from the boot straps and just keep on trekking down the path of finding love, I can’t. I’m out to take care of myself. And for the first time in my life I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I know that’s the right thing to do.
A few days later I received the follow-up text to my original toxic text it read “You’re a cold-hearted bitch”. It was funny that I went from one day to being a wonderful woman to a bitch in less than a week. Again I didn’t respond. I thought about adding fuel to the fire until it was a roaring wildfire, but it wasn’t worth it. He had fallen head over heels and I just didn’t feel the same way. Arguing with him wasn’t going to change anything. I wasn’t in love with him. I don’t need him in life to make me happy. It was time to cut the loss, stop the bleeding and give him time heal. I say this to you now, I do not need to love you to love myself. I am out to make myself happy and I am just that. With or without you.
He’s right. I am cold and callous. I wasn’t always like that. Normally I bring life to whatever room I’m in. I am the girl with the smile you can’t help but notice. But someone stole that from me. I’m not the victim I am the survivor. I am whats left after a shattered relationship. And yes I am guarding what’s left of me with all of my might. I have every right to. Maybe that’s the way its supposed to be. People get hurt, they gimp around for a while, they heal and they move on. I’m somewhere in between heal and move onto the next new chapter. I believe in order to heal you must first feel a whole lot of pain. I’m an emotional cutter by nature. I do reflect on the past and give it more credit than it deserves, but somewhere deep in , there’s a wonderful woman disguised as a cold-hearted bitch.
