I promised myself I wouldn’t blog about this. Why you ask? Well I figured I had spent enough time and energy on this situation that it would be like beating a dead retarded horse. However, as the story unfolded and I finally got to the “Aha!” moment, I couldn’t help but blog. So here I am sharing what will be forever known as the blog that makes me look like a complete idiot and marks the beginning of me running thorough background checks on anyone and everyone I may some day potentially date.
I hope you’re ready for a crazy ride because I’m about to take you on one.
I swear that the events depicted in this blog are accurate and verifiable.
Ready… Here it goes….
It all started the day after Christmas when I decided that my dating life had been stuck in neutral for so long that I decided to take a sneak peek of what was going on in the online dating scene. So I created a profile and waited for the fish to bite. I “met” one with the opening line of “how would like me to spoil you.” To which I responded “wouldn’t you rather date someone you’re compatible with than someone who likes you for your money?” We started chatting it up. Online messaging led to text messaging. We clicked on everything. Same religion, same personalities, and same family structure with one exception his mother was dead. Which if you know me in person you know that I’ve had issues with the previous would be mother in law and I really can’t handle another overbearing mother meddling in my relationship. What can I say, we are both very strong stubborn woman and in the end when it comes to my relationships I don’t need anyone else in it. So needless to say the idea of not having to deal with a mother in law someday was very appealing to me. He was independently wealthy, funny, got my weird sense of humor, showered me with attention and wasn’t bad on the eyes. Within a day or two I got the penis pics. Red Flag #1. I hate those pictures there’s no need for men to show off what they have. Women do NOT; I repeat do NOT appreciate such photography. I was a lady and deleted them and never mentioned them.
Three days later he alerted me that he was deleting his online profile because he had found everything he was looking for in me. Red Flag #2. I have to admit I was creeped out by this grand gesture. In the back of my mind I wondered if he had an ulterior motive, but since none showed itself immediately I let it go and continued browsing the internet for potential suitors. I did encourage him to continue to see other people since nothing are set in stone. I think what I liked the most was that he turned everything into “we”. We’re going to do this. We’re going to do that.
I’m always open and honest about the blog because most guys don’t really like how my personal life is out there for the world to read. And part of them wonders if they ever piss me off if I’ll put them on blast for it. Time will tell. He thought it was the coolest thing that I write and express my feelings in such a passionate vivid way.
New Year’s Eve Eve his friend flew in from the east coast to visit and I was at work. I decided since the friend was in town that I’d back off and let him enjoy his time with his friend. While I was bored at work (which happens pretty much everyday) I received a text message from an unknown number. The texts were quickly followed up with links to an online site. The links took me to pictures online of a woman. Naked. Strange right? It gets better. I work in a male dominated industry therefore I work with about 80+ men. I did what any cool girl would do I forwarded the pictures to everyone who cared for them. Some I know were texting and picture messaging this sexy, naked female. To which she never responded. New Years Eve Eve night, he was partying it up with his friends in wine country. He kept blowing up my phone to which I kept saying enjoy your night. Have fun, etc.
Following night New Years Eve, he had a dinner party to go to in wine country and I had dinner and New Years Eve party to attend. I was sober the entire night. I actually ended up going home early and when I woke up I saw all of the drunken text messages one read “I love u” Red Flag #3. I of course ignored it. He was drunk. It happens. New Years Day: I was watching football, he went hiking. I hadn’t heard from him all day which was strange, but still fine. When my favorite team lost I texted “I’m so sad”. Our first actual face to face meeting was set to take place the following day (we had discussed Skype, but since he didn’t have a webcam we threw that out the window) and since nothing was really set I asked where we could meet. No response. An hour later I asked if we were still good for the date. Nothing. Then out of no where “we’re” moving too fast and I’m clingy and crazy. So I did the adult thing and suggested we talk it out get to the bottom of it. Since I felt he was blowing things out proportion. Then he did the finger pointing and started judging me. Whatever. I took the high road and said let’s talk it out. Still refusing to talk it out like an adult (Red Flag #4) we made a tentative lunch date. Which he waited until I was asleep to cancel. Red Flag #5.
At this point I was completely angry. I decided to seek council in my guy friends and my co workers (I picked the ones I knew would tell me the truth even if it hurt) and see if it really was me. They all agreed it wasn’t me. Then I recalled the strange naked girl had texted me again on Saturday. So I asked the guys that had her number if she ever texted any of them. All said no. He had a window of opportunity to cheat on his girl and unfortunately something happened to shorten his window. Wow. Am I really that oblivious? Then one genius guy said I bet it was just a guy trying to see if you’re bi or get nude pictures from you. And then the wheels started turning and I did the low raspy “nnnoooooo”. It’s the no that you blurt out while the wheels are turning and you think to yourself that dirty rotten bastard. So I found the number called it from a landline. Only to find out it was a fake number set up thru an iphone. The phone my internet guy has. Then I researched the link that those pictures came from, the person who posted those pictures didn’t match the name of the “girl” who was texting me, but correlated with the guy’s name kinda. Then I did a flash back about a prior conversation we had about the female anatomy and my opinions. To which I said all women are beautiful, but that doesn’t make me bi. He kidded with me and didn’t believe me when I explained my views on females and their incredible sexual power. I decided to dig deeper. I did a background check. Yes, there’s an app for that. Found his residence along with his criminal record and social networking links. This led me to Skype. Not only did he have an account, but obviously a web cam (no one Skype’s without a web cam). This just screamed long distance girlfriend.
But I didn’t get anything really juicy. Until I decided to simplify the hunt for the dirt on the internet guy and put his email address into Google. WOW!!! You’ll never guess what I found.
I had stumbled upon this guy’s secret life. I found an article about the circus that his email was tagged in. The article was about how to join the circus. Apparently my former love interest was up until recently someone who had run away and literally joined the circus. Yes the circus like with the dancing bear, the tight rope, clowns and acrobats. From what I gather he worked for the circus and apparently there’s no money in juggling balls, so he quit in order to find more secure work. WOW! OH eM GEEE!!!!!! I so didn’t see this coming. This was like something that was out of a Sex and the City episode.
I’m still in shock about the whole thing. But not entirely out surprised. It’s what I call it Raquel’s Law of Physics, anyone male and crazy or slightly disturbed will somehow find their way to me. I’m a magnet for the crazy clowns. Quite literally. So there it is in black and white the one and only time I know without a shadow of a doubt it’s definitely you not me. You’re the crazy one and the freak. You’re the sideshow that people wouldn’t pay to see.
Note to all guys: Women aren’t crazy. They just want to be told the truth. Had I known that the internet guy was once a circus clown with manipulative tendencies and is also a compulsive liar then I would’ve never wasted my time or his. But I guess all is fair in love and war and internet dating.
So thank you internet circus clown because of you I’ve implemented a new rule no dates without thorough background checks. Dating is hard enough without having to deal with all of the freaks.